Today, as with every other day, I am struggling to stay in touch with my body, listen to it, and nurture it. Last night I struggled with the same thing, except instead of taking a mental timeout to address my needs, I acted violently against myself in a show of stark protest to the forces inside my head that are constantly at odds.
It has been one year since I entered an eating disorder treatment center for intensive therapy to address binge eating disorder. Being able to receive such treatment and have amazing insurance that covered 100% of the costs has been invaluable to me. The tools and coping mechanisms I learned over the course of 3 months, and still today through ongoing outpatient therapy, have helped set a foundation for continued growth, despite how slow it feels at times.
Yesterday, and part of the day today I have allowed my old voice to win. The one that looks in the mirror and sees a number on the scale, a fold in the skin, or a roll on the back, we all have names for our “less desirable” features. It’s hard to always attempt to combat the negative thought patterns and say fluffy affirmations, so at times I choose to take the known road – mental abuse, emotional neglect, and sometimes physical harm in the form of purging or restricting. This is the cycle I’ve learned and until recently, allowed to completely rule my life. It feels like being in a domestic violence relationship, except I am both the abuser and the abused.