When I think about my 34 years, it is easy for memories to flood into my mind, painting a picture of countless experiences that have benefited or hindered who I am today. At this moment. If I sit too long in the memories, I start to feel a knot in my stomach, a welling of tears, and the sting of regret – not just regret I feel for things I could have done differently, but also for the lack of control or power to change the course of others in my direct circles. What could have been different? Where would I be today if this had happened instead of that? My main focus usually turns to chronic behaviors that have diminished my quality of life, and leave a stream of guilt so long and so deep, that attempting access releases a flood of despair. I have my excuses, we all do.
And they are valid.
I am valid. The experiences I’ve been through, whether authored by myself or others have affected or do affect my life! Ignoring them, or distracting away from them is a recipe for continued regret, endless tears, and more knots in the stomach. Deciding not to test out the stream of guilt and take a swim may seem wise, but without navigating the roaring rapids of our life experience we miss out on the opportunity to nurture, acknowledge, and accept who we are – As we are now.
I never really believed anyone that said “You must accept who you are, before real change can happen.” How can I accept myself if I feel like my own enemy? It’s not easy, but having been in the beginning stages of the process for a little over a year, I know that it is worth it.
The most important person to get to know deeply is ourselves, and the most effective way to heal and move forward in a healthy way is to dive in, dig deep, and face our wounds head on. Ignoring them only makes the wound larger and more resistant. The sooner they receive proper care, the faster the healing. I look forward to providing my perspective and reading those of others.
This blog is an open forum for anyone to write about their process. Please feel free to share in the comments.