Diving In

When I think about my 34 years, it is easy for memories to flood into my mind, painting a picture of countless experiences that have benefited or hindered who I am today.  At this moment.  If I sit too long in the memories, I start to feel a knot in my stomach, a welling of tears, and the sting of regret – not just regret I feel for things I could have done differently, but also for the lack of control or power to change the course of others in my direct circles.  What could have been different?  Where would I be today if this had happened instead of that?  My main focus usually turns to chronic behaviors that have diminished my quality of life, and leave a stream of guilt so long and so deep, that attempting access releases a flood of despair.  I have my excuses, we all do.

And they are valid.

I am valid.  The experiences I’ve been through, whether authored by myself or others have affected or do affect my life!  Ignoring them, or distracting away from them is a recipe for continued regret, endless tears, and more knots in the stomach.  Deciding not to test out the stream of guilt and take a swim may seem wise, but without navigating the roaring rapids of our life experience we miss out on the opportunity to nurture, acknowledge, and accept who we are – As we are now.

I never really believed anyone that said “You must accept who you are, before real change can happen.”  How can I accept myself if I feel like my own enemy?  It’s not easy, but having been in the beginning stages of the process for a little over a year, I know that it is worth it.

The most important person to get to know deeply is ourselves, and the most effective way to heal and move forward in a healthy way is to dive in, dig deep, and face our wounds head on.  Ignoring them only makes the wound larger and more resistant.  The sooner they receive proper care, the faster the healing.  I look forward to providing my perspective and reading those of others.

This blog is an open forum for anyone to write about their process.  Please feel free to share in the comments.

0 thoughts on “Diving In

  1. Reblogged this on Wounds to Dispel and commented:
    It’s been almost two years since I started this blog, opened this “Pandora’s Box”, learned that Iove poetry, that I am a poet, that I love this community and that though I’m not always present here, it’s a security blanket, a sanctuary for me to come to, to read and share.

    I’ve come such a long way from this first post. I’ve now been in Cross Fit for almost 3 months, lost a fair amount of weight, am gaining more confidence daily, and most of all am learning to finally trust myself completely.

    Words are healing. Yours have been as well as creating combinations of my own. I look forward to my continued journey, and to experiencing yours.

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  2. This couldn’t be more true: “… dive in, dig deep, and face our wounds head on. Ignoring them only makes the wound larger and more resistant. The sooner they receive proper care, the faster the healing.” At the same time, deciding “to test out the stream of guilt and take a swim” while wise, also brings with it for me severe anxiety-based agitation and withdrawal…and this has proven to be difficult in navigating the relationship with my significant other. Balance, definitely not my strong suit (consider myself a dysfuntional Libra: to have a compulsion for something that one not only doesn’t achieve, but seemingly undermines) – to spend time in the river and time on the banks resting on one’s elbows and watching the river flow by…how much time for each? i haven’t figured that one out.

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    1. Thank you for your perspective. The guilt stream… It’s risky and can just lead to despair. It has to be balanced with self-love, and that’s extremely difficult, especially when external forces are reinforcing or accentuating thoughts of self-hate.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. As for how much time? A lifetime.. Moments here and there, pieces of a puzzle being put together to create, I guess what psychologists call “self-actualization”, at least that’s the goal for me.

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      1. when some of the puzzle pieces start to fade like a dream, or have seemingly vanished, when i can’t trust i am seeing the contours of the piece correctly: self-doubt (i believe we can love ourselves, yet still deeply doubt our own efficacy in such matters) makes the process so much more difficult…yes maybe a lifetime because we keep living while we look back, and the puzzle pieces morph with every new experience…maybe the actualization of the self arrives when i can fully embrace this dynamic…

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      2. Yes, because life continually changes and new sorrows and losses and heartaches continually come our way. How will we deal with them with respect to ourselves? In relation to others? This is a part of it as well… Learning continually difficult lessons as we age, still nurturing ourselves, forgiving ourselves for fucking up, or just being off the mark, and living life the best way we know how, continuing to seek out ways to enrich ourselves and others.

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    3. I’ve also found in my relationship that I keep coming back to it, thinking I’m going to evolve out of it, thinking that all of this self-awareness is going to make me decide to end it, and it may, down the line, but it’s more of what you’re saying – “an anxiety based agitation and withdrawal”, it’s more like a prophecy, and that really perplexes me. At this moment, I want to learn to trust myself, and that’s proving difficult.

      Liked by 1 person

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