The Pendulum Swings

Today started out promising, especially after writing down my desire to be mindful even when tempted to forget that concept.

Me and the girls (daughter and niece) ate a hearty breakfast, played “Life”, and then prepped for a trip to the California Science Center to see the Pompeii Exhibition.

I decided ahead of time I was going to allow my body time to process brunch and eat again once my body told me it was ready. Things were going well for the first part of the day, but once we were in the exhibit it didn’t take very long to start feeling light headed and a bit low.

One experience with my husband at the entrance was troubling. It wasn’t anything major, just a cranky rush to take a picture. It was supposed to be of me and him in front of a Pompeiian background, but because of his anxiety about a short introductory film starting, the picture ended up looking ridiculous and I deleted it. This minor incident took me a good 30 minutes to move on from mentally, and physically I was visibly distant from my husband while we both walked around with the girls. Eventually, I let it go, but not without a mini catastrophising session in my head, and a frustrated resistance to release the tears welling up in my eyes.

It’s still hard to distinguish between legitimate and emotional hunger. By the time we were out of the exhibit, I was completely famished. No feelings of hunger at any point, just a light head and a strong desire to eat.

Once we did sit down at a restaurant, it was really difficult to be mindful because of how famished I felt. As a result, from that point on auto pilot was triggered, allowing me to have the euphoric experience of temporary release.

That’s really what it is, and I guess that’s the incentive. It’s hard to know exactly what steps I could have taken to avoid what transpired. I suppose I could’ve packed a snack to munch on, and even if I ate it without feeling physically hungry, it could have been enough of an intervention to continue the will to be mindful.

Ah well, tomorrow is another opportunity to be. We will be at the ocean and seeing some other sites around Los Angeles. I’m making it a goal to be mindful the entire day, even when I’m feeling vulnerable and frantic.

The pendulum may want to swing, but I have the ability to stabilize it. Always. I just have to be willing to experience trial and error and also be willing to listen to what my errors are telling me about what needs are not being met, by myself and others.

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