Breaking the Cycle

One of my main goals over the past year has been to experience a natural progression of self awareness that slowly leads to breaking the negative patterns in my life and possibly prevent or at least inhibit them developing in my girls.

My niece, who flew in on Friday is going to be staying with us indefinitely. I have started the process of researching lawyers to assist with the adoption proceedings, and I am 100% committed to this process.  I feel like my family is complete, and I am enjoying the paradigm shift that comes with a new addition.

Always close before, but states away, now I have the opportunity to provide her infinite amounts of love, support, and understanding. She’s been through an immense amount of instability and heartache, but keeps giving me bear hugs and smiles that could melt the most obstinate.

I talked with her in length tonight about how I want her to feel like she can tell me anything that is on her mind and not have to worry if she’s going to hurt my feelings or the feelings of others she discusses. She deserves to have an outlet and someone who attempts understanding of all the transitions she has gone through. She deserves to be told everyday how wanted she is, and what a joy she is to be around. She deserves to know she can feel angry, abandoned, sad, and devastated.

When I was her age, I felt all of these things but had no real outlet. My mother was spread so thin raising five kids on her own that it was really difficult to access her. I often felt like I had only myself to depend on. My horrible self esteem did not help in my plight, and never feeling good enough left me feeling lonely and confused.

I fully intend to prevent any chance of that happening with both of my daughters. Even if my efforts are not foolproof, at the very minimum they will always know I was and am their champion.

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