My self-care alarm is screaming to go to bed, but I feel it’s important to address any triggers I experienced today and how I handled them.
This morning I changed my clothes three or four different times. I could not defeat the mirror, no matter how hard I tried. I’m so tired of looking into it and seeing immediate flaws. Standing in front of a mirror and attempting to counteract the subtleties of the mind is extremely difficult. Saying some mantra internally or outloud about how amazing you are while analyzing every flaw is a complete mindfuck.
I’ve been trying very hard not to, but I can’t help but feel that this slow progression is just too slow. I’ve been attempting to train myself to accept incremental change over time, but in some moments, I feel such desperation at wanting to feel healthy, normal, vivacious, and strong. The result is usually just hopelessness that my situation is ever going to really change. I know I have the fucking power to change it. I know that, everyone knows that, but sometimes the smallest of decisions seem like giant walls in front of me that look impossible to climb.
I’m not sure if I should radically accept this or not. It is so difficult to navigate my chronic depression and anxiety against who I want to be.
Consistency, mindfulness, consistency, mindfulness, consistency, mindfulness, consistency, mindfulness.
If I type the words enough, will I start believing them more?