12:12 AM

My self-care alarm is screaming to go to bed, but I feel it’s important to address any triggers I experienced today and how I handled them.

This morning I changed my clothes three or four different times.  I could not defeat the mirror, no matter how hard I tried.  I’m so tired of looking into it and seeing immediate flaws.  Standing in front of a mirror and attempting to counteract the subtleties of the mind is extremely difficult.  Saying some mantra internally or outloud about how amazing you are while analyzing every flaw is a complete mindfuck.

I’ve been trying very hard not to, but I can’t help but feel that this slow progression is just too slow.  I’ve been attempting to train myself to accept incremental change over time, but in some moments, I feel such desperation at wanting to feel healthy, normal, vivacious, and strong.  The result is usually just hopelessness that my situation is ever going to really change.  I know I have the fucking power to change it.  I know that, everyone knows that, but sometimes the smallest of decisions seem like giant walls in front of me that look impossible to climb.

I’m not sure if I should radically accept this or not.  It is so difficult to navigate my chronic depression and anxiety against who I want to be.

Consistency, mindfulness, consistency, mindfulness, consistency, mindfulness, consistency, mindfulness.

If I type the words enough, will I start believing them more?

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