Recovery Uncovers

When I think about entering treatment for binge eating disorder last year, I could have never imagined doing something so abrupt, but after having done it, I feel confirmation that it was a long time coming.  I also feel the sting of hoping for a repaired relationship (that was showing signs of healing fully) and concluding that maybe it’s not reparable after all.  Some might say I’m the common denominator:  I’m too outspoken, bitter, angry, hold a grudge, am critical, I don’t forgive easily, and etc.  I say to them, you’re right!  You’re absolutely right!  I am all of those things, and I do not apologize.  In the context of my mother and overall family, I will go through each accusation.

I’m Outspoken

Let’s see, why would I possibly be seen as a threat because I’m too outspoken?  Maybe because I speak the truth about travesties that go on in our family, and don’t just lie down and wait to be walked all over?  Or, is it because of the dynamics I was raised under, up to and including:  being a latch-key kid; raising my brothers (they call us second moms) with my older sisters; being home alone at a fairly young age often and sometimes overnight while my mom was on business trips; not feeling I had a voice as a Mormon; constantly being guilted into believing I was doing something wrong at any given moment by the church and my family; deciding I do not want to continue to feel crushed by the pain of invalidation, so I speak.

I’m Bitter

Why could I possibly be bitter?  Could it be that I was raised in a brainwashing cult that sucked the life out of me and made me feel like I was never good enough?  Or, maybe some of the dynamics that were damaging to me as a child continued on into my adulthood:  Feeling abandoned; unheard; criticized; ignored and overall feeling completely unstable with all of the vascillations of others’ minds on an almost daily basis.  Maybe some of my bitterness has to do with my 2-year-old daughter being sexually assaulted and abused by my cousin for 3 years (until she was 5 and finally had the courage to tell me), and having to constantly remind my family of why I do not want to be around a pedophile.  My cousin is not the only pedophile in the family either, what about my mom’s brother who took custody of my other uncle’s daughter when she was 3 and raped her for 12+ years?  He gets out of prison and is considered the prodigal son, gets to attend all family events, while I have to ask every time I’m invited if “so and so” is going to be there? The answer is usually always yes.  The predator gets protected, and me and my child, and my cousin who was raped, get victimized over and over long after the initial damage is done.

I’m Angry

Damn right I am, and I have every reason to be!  The most recent offense: Signing over a Power-of-Attorney for the care of my niece (who has been in my mother’s care for the past 5 years), with the idea of adoption in the near future and then deciding that this next 6 months is just a “trial period” because my mom doesn’t feel this is the best place for her, though she insisted all of 3 days ago, that it would be, and it is!  My niece is finally adjusting after a very difficult transition and a bit of culture shock, and she is content with the prospects of her future here.  She does not want to return to my mother at all, and it will not happen on my watch.

I Hold a Grudge

For anyone that knows me, and knows me very well, I do not hold a grudge unless I feel it is necessary for my own mental well-being.  In the case of playing with my emotions, and potentially injuring the hearts of those I am sworn to protect (including myself), a grudge is well warranted.  It is not up to me to make someone else feel better about crimes they committ.

I Am Criticial

Calling people out on their damaging vascillations is hardly being critical, at least in a negative sense.  Just because I put boundaries up and expect people to keep them, does not make my actions inherently wrong.  I admit, before treatment I might have thought of every word spoken, and every thought illustrated and picked them apart to find some flaw, but not anymore. I know when I’ve gone too far, and in this case, my reaction was appropriate to the stimuli.

I Don’t Forgive Easily

Forgiveness is a gift, and unlike they teach in Sunday School, I don’t have to give it to everyone on a whim.  It’s something that must be worked for, nurtured, and proven.  If acknowledgements are not made, promises are not kept, and actions are not sustainability better from how they were before, forgiveness will not be given, at all.  I don’t care if it supposedly eats me up inside and makes me implode, though I adamantly refute that notion – It is better than allowing others to manipulate and take advantage of me.

And so it is.  I will slowly come to terms with this new blow to my life, but I will deal with it as I have dealt with everything prior – I will keep walking, step after step, and finally, after so many years, love myself along the way.

0 Comments Add yours

  1. Penny Lane says:

    Good on you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. woundstofeel says:

      Thank you, it’s nice to feel heard.


  2. deniseeeng says:

    Thanks for sharing this and breaking down your “accusations” and defending your stand. It’s admirable that you are dealing with all this stress, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

    I am struggling with my past too, and feel a sense of validation from your post. I feel that because my experience is not unique, I shouldn’t be affected. But I am. And the feeling of never being good enough will not go away. Sometimes I feel like I’ve imagined it all.. but even trying to apply what I’ve learned from my cognitive behavioural therapy sessions with my psychologist doesn’t seem to have an effect. Or at least the one I was hoping for.

    but yes, you are right, step by step… and I’ll crawl if that’s what it takes.. because sometimes its really hard to not just give in!

    Much love to you and yours.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. woundstofeel says:

      Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. When I first entered treatment I wanted everything to change quickly, because I felt desperate but I know now it is such a long process requiring what others may not have given us when we needed it – patience and kindness, and practice, oh and about a million slip-ups into what we know, but you can do it. We both can. Thanks for your encouragement!


  3. I lived and worked in Layton, Utah for two years (’nuff said). I am amazed at your courage and strength to stand up to those forces and enormous pressure to conform. I’m proud of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. woundstofeel says:

      Thank you! Yes it’s like living in a vortex!


  4. You should not be forced to have to attend any functions that the abusers are at. You have the right to stay away and keep your daughter away from them.
    It is a terrible thing to find out your child was sexually abused by a family member or by others that were supposed to be safe for them to be around.

    I have been through that. I feel angry that my daughter’s innocence and purity were stolen and can never be returned. Something very valuable was taken , including the long lasting mental health problems it caused you and I as well as our children.

    It is very sick and makes my brain feel foggy and dark when I think about it.
    I can’t talk about the abuse of my child with anyone out loud because it is so traumatizing that I freeze and cannot speak of it.

    I am very sorry that it happened to you. The focus of therapy is on the abused child and that is appropriate of course. But the trauma that we go through as parents, is not acknowledged . It is invisible and I feel that I am treated as if my feelings of being traumatized over the abuse of my child are selfish and rude.

    I do not know why people cannot understand that we are also traumatized by this terrible violation to our babies that we carried for 9 months and kept them with us to protect them.

    I hope we can both feel better someday. But for now , I feel completely traumatized as more details of the abuse are presented to me, during her therapy.

    I want to back up time and erase the bad things.



    1. woundstofeel says:

      I am so glad you commented. You just shook something up in me that tells me I am not even close to fully dealing with my feelings on this. I feel anger sometimes, but I’m not nearly angry enough. There is a wall protecting the full depth of what I feel. I imagine for both of us it will take time, reflection and just continuing to talk about it, knowing there are others feeling the same way and in need of support.

      Liked by 2 people

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