Here Comes the Hurt

Yesterday’s post was largely about the frustration and anger I feel with recent events in my family, but today all I feel is hurt. I’ve attempted to numb it in the usual way, and it’s worked overall, but tomorrow the flood of guilt will come and I’ll have to go through the gritty self-forgiveness process for not being mindful and treating myself kindly. It’s a minor slip-up compared to the gravity of this situation, and thankfully, I bounce back much more quickly than I used to.

Depending on the situation, I could go weeks without even attempting to take care of myself, determined to stay in a fog, but I have little capacity for that now.

My mother, who yesterday said she needed a break from me as well sent me an email today saying “she heard me” and then copied a poem she thought would resonate with me. I haven’t responded because I am too weary.

I don’t want to sound insensitive to those that suffer from bipolar, but she’s on medication for it and still has manic swings that are destructive! And now, with recent events I wonder if there’s something more going on.

She went through a huge amount of trauma growing up and in her adulthood as well, so it wouldn’t be surprising if she is suffering from more than I know. If she is, she hides it well most of the time, except in times like this when I see hints of borderline or possibly histrionic personality disorders.

I want to be merciful, and I have, many times before, but not without cost. I don’t know what to do.

0 thoughts on “Here Comes the Hurt

  1. She is the parent. You need some space to yourself, you mustn’t give yourself a hard time for your mothers issues and obvious failings as a parent. You expressed yourself and she’s turned it into her. There probably is a lot more going on with her, but that’s for her and a therapist/ psychiatrist to discover. Take some time out for yourself and be gentle to yourself x

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    1. Thank you Penny. I’m just so sad cause things were looking so much better this past year and then this happened, makes it hard to ever feel I can trust her again.

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  2. Yes as @PennyLane has said, take some time for yourself. Creating boundaries is important. I have bipolar as well as PTSD and borderline personality both of which stemmed from trauma growing up. All three have caused me to react to those around me in hurtful ways. Take care of yourself. You cannot change her or her behavior. You can only take care of yourself which will make your coping skills and mental health better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Marie, she’s usually always mean when I put up boundaries and tell her how she’s making me feel, she tries to turn it around on me, but in this last scenario I kept telling her “I’m not doing anything wrong!”, I almost had to scream it between sobs. I want her to get the help she needs, if I need it weekly and went through it intensely a year ago and I’m 34, I know she could use ongoing counseling at 60.

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