Yesterday’s post was largely about the frustration and anger I feel with recent events in my family, but today all I feel is hurt. I’ve attempted to numb it in the usual way, and it’s worked overall, but tomorrow the flood of guilt will come and I’ll have to go through the gritty self-forgiveness process for not being mindful and treating myself kindly. It’s a minor slip-up compared to the gravity of this situation, and thankfully, I bounce back much more quickly than I used to.
Depending on the situation, I could go weeks without even attempting to take care of myself, determined to stay in a fog, but I have little capacity for that now.
My mother, who yesterday said she needed a break from me as well sent me an email today saying “she heard me” and then copied a poem she thought would resonate with me. I haven’t responded because I am too weary.
I don’t want to sound insensitive to those that suffer from bipolar, but she’s on medication for it and still has manic swings that are destructive! And now, with recent events I wonder if there’s something more going on.
She went through a huge amount of trauma growing up and in her adulthood as well, so it wouldn’t be surprising if she is suffering from more than I know. If she is, she hides it well most of the time, except in times like this when I see hints of borderline or possibly histrionic personality disorders.
I want to be merciful, and I have, many times before, but not without cost. I don’t know what to do.