I’m feeling more and more closed off from my feelings with the aftermath of what happened last weekend. I’m mindful when it’s really easy, but the moment it becomes difficult I just coast into numbing behavior. It’s really making me feel uneasy, and I’m starting to question everything in my life. I know it’s a mirage, it doesn’t mean anything more than that I feel complete instability with my family right now, but it doesn’t make the urge to isolate and reject love any less. I can accept it from my daughter and niece, but it’s really difficult to accept it from my husband and that makes me feel horrible because he’s done nothing to deserve that.
He is at least intuitive enough to know that I’m isolating a bit because of this recent episode with my mom, but I wish I wouldn’t even feel it was a option to close off from the one person who has been there for me through so many transitions.
I want to trust him completely, but I don’t know if I’m capable. This uncertainty leads to anxiety and a voice inside my head saying:
You’re better off alone, you don’t deserve a stable relationship, you just make life harder on anyone you’re with, so just focus on raising the two girls and getting your shit together, maybe then you will have a high enough self-esteem to believe you’re worth it
I hate that voice, because my husband only says amazing things about me. I cannot stand that I don’t believe them fully, even though everyday at work, or with the girls if I hear someone self-deprecating, saying sorry for no reason, or having to make a disclaimer about some treat they are about to eat, I stop them! I don’t care if they think it’s annoying, I just can’t stand hearing people talk down to themselves, but I do it to myself all the time.
I keep hoping that by counteracting these habits in other people that I will more fully accept myself, but the progress is slow and when I face another big blow, all bets are off for a time until I snap out of it.
Writing has been the only healthy activity I turn to when feeling this way. At least it helps me to keep reminding myself that no matter how closed off I feel, the urges that come as a result of that are an illusion that has no merit. I’m still responsible for showing the one I love that he is appreciated, even if I feel like I’m in some alternate reality.