I keep hoping for the day that I will look at an entire bag of chips, a king-sized chocolate bar, pastries at work, ice cream, junk food, as being mere combinations of chemicals, minerals, and elements that do not have to affect my life in the way I allow them to.
Lately, I’ve been focused on poetry and creative writing because I feel that it’s much easier to write in those methods than just outright explain my raw feelings in a narrative form.
It’s been helpful, but today I need to just write out what’s bothering me so much on the inside, acknowledge what my feelings are, and not try to fix them, because if I try to do that I’ll just turn to my coping mechanisms even more and the cycle will continue.
I’m upset about friendship transitions. No matter how many times I go through them, or how much I hope the outcome will be different, things always end the same. People just simply do not have the capacity, time, or energy to maintain friendships the way they can be maintained when you’re working with them on a day-to-day basis. This reality does not make it hurt any less. Sometimes friendships stick, but it’s rare, and even those that do take effort and cultivation that some people just cannot commit to. I shouldn’t take it personally, though it’s hard not to.
I’m really annoyed at how often I write feel-good posts that exclaim I am going to beat something, but turn around and keep behaving in a way that will not speed up any defeat against my own personal enemy:
That negative voice that wants me to stay where I’m at – in a personal cycle of disappointment, frustration, and anxiety.
When is enough, enough? I do not believe in good vs. bad food, or labeling it as such. I believe in balanced nutrition where I listen to my body and give it the nourishment it needs, the fuel it needs to do what I need to do as a mother, wife, professional, individual, and human being. I’m progressing in this area, but very slowly, and my patience runs thin. What words do I need to tell myself before grabbing that bag of chips and starting to eat it compulsively? What words do I need to tell myself before I really am hungry, and am craving chips but want to make sure I don’t overdo it? I’m sure I know what they are, and I’ve used them before, but sometimes my mind and heart just do not want to listen.
I’m frustrated at my desire to distract from what I’m feeling, compulsively checking Facebook for validation, or connection, only to feel even more distant after seeing highlights of people’s lives with their perfectly-angled selfies (mine included) that make people look happier than they actually are.
I’m grateful for my husband who has let me process every last thought in my head, and still says how much he loves me and our family, and how incredible I am. He fills me up with love that I didn’t even know he could offer at one point. The changes he has made, and my change in perspective has made a notable difference in our marriage. But, that negative voice sets in and tells me that he must be hiding something to accept “all of this”, there must be an ulterior motive.
“You let me get away with everything”, I say.
“It’s because I’m your safe place”, he says.
“But I don’t want to get away with everything… I want to feel inspired to be a better person, someone who thinks about what they’re doing as they’re doing it, and doesn’t just do it because I know that I can get away with it.”
“That’s what marriage is”, he says. “And, I know you love me. Most everything you do tells me that.”
“But, I’ve made such little progress since treatment – It’s been over a year.”
“You’re looking at it as if your progress is one tile, close by you. But, if you looked at the entire floor, you’d see the patterns have changed and are turning into something greater each day”, he says.
How can I argue with that? I’m loved, I’m needed, I have friends who genuinely and deeply care about me, and I can’t have it all. I can continue to practice listening to myself and sometimes I’ll succeed and others I’ll fail. I just have to accept it, or I’ll drive myself crazy.