My mind wants me to believe a quick fix will numb me, but it doesn’t anymore.
I feel like a patient on an operating table where the anesthesia, no matter how high the dose, won’t take.
I’m so aware of my self-destructive behaviors as I’m doing them that there is barely a moment of release.
I guess this is a good thing, but it’s left me raw and emotional on a night when I betrayed myself briefly and gave up power to my old behaviors.
This temporary lapse means nothing if I allow it to. It doesn’t mean all is lost.
It doesn’t mean I’m eternally far from merging my past, present and future together – creating a version of myself that respects all.
It just means I am testing my own boundaries, and need to parent myself a little bit with gentle loving kindness.
I’ll never be perfect, and as I navigate these rough waters I won’t always have the strength I need, but I don’t have any other option than to forgive myself.
Reconciliation has begun and demands continuance.