Sometimes I Want To

  • Cry all day, and hide in my bed, but I don’t have the option.
  • Show up somewhere I probably shouldn’t be to confront those who have hurt me.
  • Write a volume of regretful letters to anyone who has hurt me, without seeming crazy.
  • Write a volume of apology letters to anyone I have knowingly hurt.
  • Go back in time and decide I’m not going to do certain self-destructive acts that could burn bridges.
  • Tell Karma, though I don’t believe in it supernaturally, to Fuck Off – Cause I know way too many people not getting it, while I’m getting it handed to me on a platter at almost every turn for every mistake I’ve madeCall me paranoid, but it seems that way, despite how overall well-intentioned I am.
  • Quit my job, move to a smaller town somewhere and let my husband take care of me. This is not realistic at all, and I know it would exacerbate my depression even more, because work helps me feel like I’m accomplishing something important, like I’m helping people, like I can have a creative outlet. I know I wouldn’t give it up, but sometimes I feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I’m going through each work day just itching for it to be over. It wasn’t like that at my last job because I had close friends there, but I’m still mourning their loss. I’m mourning their absence. They aren’t depressed and traumatized like me with feelings of abandonment, so I doubt they’re mourning mine. I have potential friendships at my new job and I’m trying to be open to them, but am feeling trepidation.

It’s easy to feel like a lone wolf. Like nobody understands. Like even if I think they do temporarily, there will come a time where they tire of me.

  • Not be married and become a vixen and break the hearts of any man who dares show interest in mine. Yeah right, I’m a total sucker for emotionally meaningful relationships. Being a vixen is not in my DNA.
  • Not be so honest. It keeps getting me into trouble. My lack of a filter and non-poker face don’t help either.
  • Repeat my adolescence knowing what I know now. Yes, I would go back, and yes I would change things.
  • Be one of the characters in my video games, who can run endlessly without breaking a sweat, save the world by putting difficulty on “casual”, and beat the pulp out of things with no consequence, cause potions solve everything.
  • Have another baby so I could savor each moment.
  • Stop writing, and go to bed.

Goodnight.

0 thoughts on “Sometimes I Want To

      1. I absolutely love all the Dragon Age games!! I haven’t played the new one yet though. I just started playing Wow and who doesn’t love Skyrim!! Are you on console or PC? I have a playstation but I’m mostly on the PC.

        Like

      2. PC and Xbox. I went through my WoW phase, now just casually play when I feel like being God to some pixels. Dragon Age Inquisition is really fun, especially if you use the tapestry feature to customize world states. Ha! We’re getting all video game nerdy up in here! No shame!

        Liked by 1 person

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