- Cry all day, and hide in my bed, but I don’t have the option.
- Show up somewhere I probably shouldn’t be to confront those who have hurt me.
- Write a volume of regretful letters to anyone who has hurt me, without seeming crazy.
- Write a volume of apology letters to anyone I have knowingly hurt.
- Go back in time and decide I’m not going to do certain self-destructive acts that could burn bridges.
- Tell Karma, though I don’t believe in it supernaturally, to Fuck Off – Cause I know way too many people not getting it, while I’m getting it handed to me on a platter at almost every turn for every mistake I’ve made. Call me paranoid, but it seems that way, despite how overall well-intentioned I am.
- Quit my job, move to a smaller town somewhere and let my husband take care of me. This is not realistic at all, and I know it would exacerbate my depression even more, because work helps me feel like I’m accomplishing something important, like I’m helping people, like I can have a creative outlet. I know I wouldn’t give it up, but sometimes I feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I’m going through each work day just itching for it to be over. It wasn’t like that at my last job because I had close friends there, but I’m still mourning their loss. I’m mourning their absence. They aren’t depressed and traumatized like me with feelings of abandonment, so I doubt they’re mourning mine. I have potential friendships at my new job and I’m trying to be open to them, but am feeling trepidation.
It’s easy to feel like a lone wolf. Like nobody understands. Like even if I think they do temporarily, there will come a time where they tire of me.
- Not be married and become a vixen and break the hearts of any man who dares show interest in mine. Yeah right, I’m a total sucker for emotionally meaningful relationships. Being a vixen is not in my DNA.
- Not be so honest. It keeps getting me into trouble. My lack of a filter and non-poker face don’t help either.
- Repeat my adolescence knowing what I know now. Yes, I would go back, and yes I would change things.
- Be one of the characters in my video games, who can run endlessly without breaking a sweat, save the world by putting difficulty on “casual”, and beat the pulp out of things with no consequence, cause potions solve everything.
- Have another baby so I could savor each moment.
- Stop writing, and go to bed.