Just shoot me

Sometimes I say “Just shoot me”
Or “Kill me now”
In jest, of course, though not funny to my girl
My one and only
Firstborn
Last born
Partner in crime
Heart of my heart
My only true soulmate

Sitting across from each other at a diner she says

“If you ever died, I wouldn’t want to live”

A flashback comes to mind when I was a single mother on my way to drop her off to Kindergarten. We often stopped at the local grocery store to grab her a milk and a Clif bar for when I didn’t have time to make breakfast at home. She seemed to enjoy this ritual, and I vaguely recall her toddler voice as we often spoke our own language that nobody could understand.

Walking out to the car, fumbling for the keys she held her arms up, pleading for me to embrace her. Once I picked her up, she wrapped her little arms around my neck, squeezing as tightly as she could and exclaimed between sobs:

“I don’t ever want you die!”

Tears flooded my eyes as I attempted to comfort her in the best way I knew how, saying: “I’m not going anywhere sweetheart”, showering her with hugs and kisses.

Coming back to the present I remind her of this exchange as she smirks in reminiscence.

I tell my now 11-year-old that I’m not planning on dying anytime soon, but as her mother I would not want her to give up. I would wish upon her time, love, and space needed to heal, but would never want her vast creativity, humor, love of animals, and enduring spirit to be broken.

She looks at me with pensive eyes and softly says “okay”.

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