Lobotomy

The clock is ticking
The pressure gnawing
Anxiety crawling
All over my body

Excuses made
To dissuade progress
Cause distress
Impeding Peace

Doctor’s orders
Eat less, move more
Less fat, high lipids
“Here’s a pill to numb senses”

Hunger lessened
I struggle within
To persuade my body
I don’t need to be full

Even though
Fullness helps me feel love
Helps me forget all abandonment
For a time, brief fleeting seconds

Still my anesthesia
Lies before that it wasn’t
No gift of amnesia
No living in the present

Disjointed material
I know there’s no rhythm
Not caring at all
Got to spit out this venom

Times running out
No procrastination
Have to move, eat less
To find my salvation

Or the doc will say
The pill isn’t working
And no longer allow me
To consume its numbing

Must lose 5% of my body weight
Less than 5 weeks to prove
I can follow instructions
That will lead to a halting
Of my impending destruction

If I fail, I’ll look desperate
Like a lost cause
Like I refuse recovery
Like I want to die slowly

Is it true?
Is my soul set on self-destruct?

Can’t do this to my girls,
My husband
Myself

Gulp, taking the pill
It’s my placebo
Or maybe elixir of will
I’m not sure, either way

I will take it each day
And hope for the best
as I push food away
and continue the process

of an Eating Disorder Lobotomy

Photo Credit: Health.com

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