Shades of Me – Day 12

I have an idea of how things should be
and because I am not living up to the standard
I feel like a fraud, like I’m not worthy
of healthy and stable patterns

I guess one thing at a time, and the project now
Is not giving into my behaviors
Day 12 and the pressure continues to build
Anxiously awaiting another failure

So far, so good though because of new pathways
My body and mind continue rebelling
A sad, volatile, anxious wreck – 
How it must feel when withdrawing

From anything, a massive addiction
Infiltrating every damaged cell
The cleansing process and its collateral damage
Feels like a living hell

Push through, push through girl, no more sabotage
Just because you can’t destruct yourself
Doesn’t mean you have to destroy others
and slowly become an ice shelf

Entitlement starts to beckon me
Others have done exactly that
Unworried about my despair or tears
Now wanting to wear their selfish hats

You say we are distinct personalities
Acquired taste is mandatory
For someone to love us in ways entire
or that’s how you tell the story

While I may agree in this current state
Recovering from a lifetime of pain
When I emerge I’ll feel peacefully different
As I attempt to cultivate and maintain:

My fire
Pain
Humor
Disdain
Lack of restraint where it counts

Humanity
Fear
Loneliness
Tears
All traits that I won’t surmount

I don’t want to, though I used to think
These aspects of personality
Were a buzz kill, undesirable
But now I’ve started to clearly see

These burdens are mine and I am theirs
They’ve helped me through the darkest blights –
My repayment will not be resentment
But the continuing will to fight

Photo Credit: Here 

2 thoughts on “Shades of Me – Day 12

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