Let Down

I let you down
despite my best attempts
said words I can’t unsay
phrases I can’t take back

confused by life as it seemed
haunted by past regrets
petrified by my fears
I couldn’t be what you needed

you told me time and again
I was enough, but
felt torn down the middle
heart stolen from my chest

and no,
it isn’t your fault
none of this is
and none of it was
my sweet little one

all the pain you feel
I know in part I caused
not the original author
wanted to fix you,

flawed, as I am
the plan was white-knuckled
unaware of my need
to focus on my struggles
driving full speed
without a stunt double
pushing the need to succeed
while pressure pushed the needle
far past the green

it’s not your fault
none of this is
I didn’t know how to love
you in the way I wanted
in the way you needed
a mother not by blood
I pushed away
when all reserves left
and now we pick up the pieces

small tinder for a fire
please know I love you
exactly as you are
and if you can forgive me
I will help heal the scars
with love and patience
from a distance not far
be who you once needed

it’s not your fault
it never was
repeated over-and-over
please forgive me
sweet niece,
always my little one.

Emily C. © 2018

4 thoughts on “Let Down

  1. Don’t be too hard on yourself Emily. We all hurt the ones we love the most and guilt cripples us. But love is patient and will eventually consume you, like it is now. She’ll see it too. My heart aches reading this.

    Liked by 1 person

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