I let you down

despite my best attempts

said words I can’t unsay

phrases I can’t take back

confused by life as it seemed

haunted by past regrets

petrified by my fears

I couldn’t be what you needed

you told me time and again

I was enough, but

felt torn down the middle

heart stolen from my chest

and no,

it isn’t your fault

none of this is

and none of it was

my sweet little one

all the pain you feel

I know in part I caused

not the original author

wanted to fix you,

flawed, as I am

the plan was white-knuckled

unaware of my need

to focus on my struggles

driving full speed

without a stunt double

pushing the need to succeed

while pressure pushed the needle

far past the green

it’s not your fault

none of this is

I didn’t know how to love

you in the way I wanted

in the way you needed

a mother not by blood

I pushed away

when all reserves left

and now we pick up the pieces

small tinder for a fire

please know I love you

exactly as you are

and if you can forgive me

I will help heal the scars

with love and patience

from a distance not far

be who you once needed

it’s not your fault

it never was

repeated over-and-over

please forgive me

sweet niece,

always my little one.

Emily C. Poésie © 2018