I walked into nature alone today
and immediately felt the breeze envelop me

the sound of the brook babbling
trees whistling and whispering to me

my phone still had a signal
a song came on

one I have sung a thousand times before
but this time it created a swell of memories I had pushed down so far below the anger I rely on to move forward

the lyrics

‘stop and stare, I think I’m moving but I go nowhere, yeah, I know that everyone gets scared, but I’ve become what I can’t be’

One Republic, their song played on repeat for what seemed like an eternity all those years ago

when I was really broken with no sense of self, no poetry to soothe me, no real voice

when I loved you senselessly, and I knew you didn’t love me as much as I you,
yet I stayed

and here we are, over a decade later, whatever we had only reminiscings of minute moments where love renewed enough to keep going

you were my friend during a time I was friendless and without the support of family as I transitioned out of ‘I know this church is true’ to ‘I don’t know much at all’

our friendship kept me, beckoned me to keep trying past the point of breaking, and now we are separate and forever apart

that is how I want it

you mean nothing to me now and my sole job from here forward is to love myself the way you never could.

Emily C. Poésie © 2019