Evergreen

We swayed to the beat of reggae,
touching,
both willing surrender to closeness,
hearts booming,
soaking the love like a sponge

when the music was done,
the crowd walked away,
even as we lingered looking at stars, holding closely to moments
profound and fleeting

the weight of the crash
came over me,
thinking you said words you
didn’t say,
fog clearing,
realizing you did just mean
for us to be a summer fling

maybe not,
if I adopt polyamorous views,
couldn’t sink into you,
if only given permission,
a request you can’t bear,
wounds and scar tissue prevent you,
caught up in what ifs and defense,

a replaying of history denies life opportunity to hurt you again,
if you just had a child,
it would all be worth it,
to be left by a lover
you willed to stay,
a lifetime connection formed

children teach the purest love,
motivators for hurdles,
mountains to overcome,
but take it from someone
who has her own,
they solve nothing of pain
or festering wounds

abandonment, ghosting,
they’re here and then gone,
each new knife in the heart,
should keep me by myself,
but it’s just like you said
when we talked on the hill,
my heart stays evergreen,
renewed,
ready for the next break,
in hopes what I’m seeking is real.

Emily Cloward © 2018

Mindful

Coasting isn’t the way,
I know its path too well,
when feeling overwhelmed by grief,
whatever kind I choose,
whatever kind bestowed on me,
with blinders on and those I see,
I can’t control the things I can’t,
only the girl I choose to see
in the mirror staring back at me.

It is a choice.
Looking at my reflection,
introspection of where my course is leading,
self-love and forgiveness are a difficult lesson
to someone so used to self-criticism,
the wires were changed,
loud voices were muted,
but now the silent ones remain,
the whispers, the hums, of someone forgotten,
still tell me that things need to be rearranged

I can’t stay in this place,
this perpetual state,
of a lost life before,
that sucks up what is now,
I know the steps I need to take,
I know the whys, the whens, the hows,
I give advice sounding like a sage,
but if I can’t live up to what I know,
accept what I don’t,
still walk in the dark,
on this thin, tight rope,
I can’t always be safe at home,
continue to be afraid of the unknown

I need a safe space inside my mind,
to breathe, slow down, and give it time,
patience and steps taken in stride,
focus on gifts I have inside,
to share with others not just behind,
a keyboard, a phone, or in my job,
I have more to give, mostly love, and it needs to be centered on self.     Emily ©

Photo Credit

Love

Hope felt today,
brave men and women,
fought against hatred and won,
strides made that cannot be undone,
hate has no place in the hearts of man,
and where it resides,
let it be rewritten,
let it be smitten,
omitted,
forgotten.

Emily ©

Photo Credit: Unknown